Stories · from · the · Stone · Caravan

... to calculate how much sunlight, and therefore, how much air, the Stone Caravan is getting in my absence.

Who knows, one day I may be able to leave salt, sugar and matches on the mantelpiece for use when I return, and not have to polish mildew from shoes and chair legs.

Jerry Cornelius meets the Doctor!

I may have a total literary geek rad-fem london chick overload here....

Edited to add link to BBC new story here:

Method 1: Work in London Box Office: My first job in leaving Uni was as a meerkat, popping up over the counter of the Old Vic to sell tickets... the money was ok, the hours were long, but the perks included access to the secret masonery of ticketsales, swapping unsold seats with other meerkats in theatres all over London. It was an education ..

Method 2: Buy Theatremonkey: A Guide to London's West End - the most comprehensive and userfriendly guide to chosing and buying theatre tickets ever published.

Theatremonkey is, similtaneously, a website, the theatre buff called Steve who runs it, and now a beautifully designed book, that provides first hand inside information on booking tickets for London theatres.

Not only does the Monkey tells us how to go about get our tickets (even for "sell out" shows), without being ripped off, he has also done the hard work for us - and visited every single venue to test the seats; leg room, vertigo, that little bit shaved off by a pillar or a balcony (often, ironically, the most exciting seats as well as the cheapest) - the Monkey has been there and checked them for us. Above and beyond, I call it.

The quirks of each theatre building (and they are odd and quirky, believe me) are lovingly detailed, and each has been given a new, beautifully designed, seating plan - for the first time in a standardised format.

What the Monkey has missed (and that's not much, as far as I can tell!) has been supplemented by comments made by other theatre goers via his website.

The book itself is comprehensive enough to allow to plan almost every aspect of your visit, and just slim enough to fit inside a pocket or handbag.

I've long been in the habit of buying pocket A-Z maps of London for overseas guests, with my mobile number and a pre-pay oyster card taped to the front cover.

Now I will be throwing a Theatremonkey: into their bags with it, along with admonition to "get lost, have fun and come home in one piece!

- balding guy sitting 10 feet from me in Cafe Nero.

Because I can still hear you suck your teeth at this distance, and if I want to smack you over the head within 5 minutes, it is clear that any marriage would have ended in spousi-cide over the breakfast table a decade or so ago.

Also, woman sitting opposite. If I can tell from the tinny thud from your ear buds not only that you are listening to Maggie May by Rod Stewart, but *also* recognise the exact recording....
a.) you are playing this much too loud.
b.) you will be deaf before you reach 25.
c.) if an irate commuter doesn't kill you first

The sun finally came out at 10 this morning, and the solarventi started a steady whirr, pushing dry fresh air into the heart of the stone caravan; this it continued to do for the next 4.5 hours.

This is what it was supposed to do, as long as the sun was shining on it.

What was more exciting - when I came back into the house after stacking the woodpile, for the first time in my recollection, the stone caravan smelt of...

... fresh air. (and a bit a smoke)

It's too early to break out the (elderflower) champagne, but not too early to experiment with closing the window.
Down comes all the green plastic mesh (to start a new life as a mat for muddy sections of the garden path).
Up go the sashes.
Bye bye owl pellets - you won't be missed, I have a fine collection now, thank you.
Bye bye dessicated corpse of the swallow that couldn't.

Now I have to leave you for several weeks; little solar fan, please do your thing, and keep my house dry-ish!

The south east is battered by storms -here in the North East, all is still, damp and warm.

The solarventi was installed on Wednesday, and apparently started pumping warm air into the house almost immediately. Barry approves, thinks every house in the area should have one.

Alas, I was not here to see it, so I have my fingers crossed that the sun will break through tomorrow morning. It's too early to say if it will solve the basic problem, but the signs are good.

Also on the plus side of the balance sheet - it is so unobtrusive it is barely visible, even from the pasture - the panel is grey, and smaller than the window.

Now it's dark, and I am having problems keeping the fire alight (the woodpile, unstacked for 3 weeks, is damp and steaming) and have yet to venture upstairs to make the bed.

... so why the £*ck does the East Coast* line WiFi route all traffic via Sweden, ensuring that all google results are served in Swedish - including my Blog dashboard.

(* until 10 hours ago the National Express East Coast line, now re-nationalised!)